18 Years Ago She Wrote The Rules Of Dating But Are They Relevant Now?
Women and men may read this stuff because they think it can’t hurt. I am a Rules Certified Dating Coach, and what that means is that I trained with Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider who wrote the book The Rules. It’s showing you how to act “as if” you have good boundaries, “as if” you have your life together—even if you feel that you don’t have every part of your act together. By acting a certain way you will start to attract the right person into your life.
It was nothing like what I heard from a critical mass of my friends who were getting divorced. One by one, they came to me and told me about their new dating lives. They told me how different and strange it was to be meeting someone on a phone. To sometimes be intimate with someone you didn’t even end up meeting in real life. When I first read the book, I was also appalled at how backwards it seemed. But after having been on the dating market for a while, I became cautious.
Not that long ago, a woman’s best opportunity for financial stability was a “good” marriage. Couple that with the societal taboo against divorce, it makes sense why tricking a man into marriage didn’t seem like a terrible idea. When I was growing up in the south the most ludicrous dating rule that everyone and their mom pushed was to eat a full meal before going on a date so you wouldn’t be tempted to eat in front of a man. A friend of mine in high school had this book!
The premise of Facebook is to let people into your world – and that means giving them access to what you are up to at all times. Some women are notorious for composing long-winded dissertations with stanzas of their favourite poetry, passages from novels, relationship quizzes or worse. Part of The Rules is about teaching men to respect you – and that means setting boundaries. The Rules tell us to guard our hearts and move slowly in relationships—which is often the opposite of what we instinctivelyfeellike doing, especially when we’re so hot for a particular guy. But many women don’t have a very accurate “guy-dar” for male behavior; we put too much faith in words, and forget about actions.
What you start with when you’re dating is what you’re going to continue to have when you’re married. He’s not going to change—bad behavior is not going to get better—so the main difference after you’re married is that it will be much harder to leave him because your lives are now bound up together. So when you’re dating, pay attention to signs of anger, criticism, “teasing” that is hurtful, and disrespectful behavior, and don’t hesitate to walk away if you start to feel like you can never please him. It is much harder to walk away after you are married.
The second is to initiate contact – the cardinal rule, as with all Rules, is that he writes to you first. Keep your online profile short and sweet. Focus on surface details, such as your profession, hobbies, favourite films and food.